“To let that which does not matter, truly slide.” – Jack, Fight Club

I keep way too many tabs open in my browser.  At the moment, I have 27.  O_O  Most of them represent good intentions.  Things I want to read.  Things I feel I should read.  So on and so forth.  Some of them, though, are things that really do matter or make me happy.  The National Weather Service, because that’s just how this geeky girl rolls (yesterday’s spate of severe thunderstorm warnings made me very excited).  My Google calendar.  My to-do lists, Toodledo and Joe’s Goals, which I notice with concern I have not used in over two months.  Stuff like that.  Unfortunately, I’ve paid less and less attention to the things that matter lately.  I just don’t give a shit (“My givashit, have you seen it?  I seem to have lost it.”)  Which of course begs the question, do these things really matter?  After all, “This is [my] life, and it’s ending one minute at a time.”

With apologies to those who have not seen Fight Club, it really does have a lot of wisdom in it, if you can get around the grisly fight scenes.  These days I really do feel like Jack much of the time, as he wonders why he just doesn’t care about certain things anymore.  I keep asking myself, “Why does that matter?  Why do I care about this?  Should I care about this?  What would happen if I stopped caring about it?”  Anything that wasn’t already getting 100% of my attention has indeed slid by the wayside.  I’m not so sure if that’s a good thing.  From a Buddhist perspective, it certainly is, because I’m getting down to the core of just Me.  What about a family perspective?  Or a job perspective?  Or just a resident of the Western world perspective?

I think part of the issue is what I wrote about in my last post, “Be Here Now“.  I’m guessing that being here now is not an instant process.  It’s slow and painful.  At least it is for me.  I have to slowly pick through each and every aspect of my life, kind of like a giant stack of mail, and decide what goes to the recycling pile, what gets kept, and what gets outright trashed.  This process is fraught with the word “should”, and I wish I could just program my brain into forgetting that word.  Sort of like how a good hypnotist can make someone forget a number (“Okay, count on your fingers: 1,2,3,4,6,7,8,9,10, WTF?!”).  In my efforts to forget “should”, I find myself in the either dangerous or desirous position of wanting to throw it ALL away.  (“Fukitol! For those days when you don’t give a shit if you find your givashit!  :D”)

I have responsibilities, though.  I have a husband, and a daughter, and a job, and other myriad things that life demands of me that it just wouldn’t be appropriate to “fukitol”.  In this process I’m discovering that there are things that do matter and are important that I still just don’t givashit about.  And that bothers me.  A lot.  Not necessarily because they’re things that I can’t do without, but because I’m a little frightened of what my life would look like without those things, or with those things transformed.  Would I be a “bad person” without them?  Or with them changed?  I don’t want to get rid of my family life or my house or my job, but there are duties attached to those things that my “givashit” has long been unattached to and when I have to take care of them, it grates on my soul.  Is this truly some sort of existential crisis, or am I merely depressed?  Is there a difference?  I could drive myself crazy with the possibilities.  Maybe I already have.  Maybe I’m not anymore and I’m not used to it.  *shrugs*

“You met me at a very strange time in my life.” – Tyler Durden

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